Warning: This post is not safe for work and contains material about masturbation and there’s probably going to be cursing and other stuff that might offend some people. I’m not totally sure because I’m writing this warning first. Anyway, if stuff like that bothers you, then you might want to skip today’s post and come back tomorrow when I take a look at the HOI Fair. Now, time to hand it to myself as we move on to today’s post!
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Okay, now that that warning’s out of the way, I want to ask the following question: Does anybody jerk off to dirty magazines anymore? Are there even dirty magazines out there? And if so, who sells them? And, more importantly in this age of the internet where porn is all over the place for free, who the fuck is buying this stuff?
I guess before we get into the subject of printed porn, we should talk about masturbation. Without masturbation, there would be no market for porn—past, present or future. Masturbation is a topic that doesn’t come up (no pun intended, well maybe a little) much in mixed company, but guys talk about it all the time. And let’s just set this straight for the record, every guy has masturbated to some sort of porn, even if it’s Glamour magazine. I know women have too, but I have a feeling that guys do it more.
I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a young kid today with a whole smorgasbord of porn available at your fingertips via the internet. When I was growing up, if you found a couple of Playboys that one of your friend’s dad had stashed away in their basement, it was like you found the Holy Grail sitting on top of a pile of cheeseburgers surrounded by free beer. I remember looking at Playboy’s and staring at the nude Playmates and seriously trying to memorize them for use later that night, if you catch my drift and I’m sure you do.
As far as porn went back in those days (we're talking the late '70s), print was pretty much the only medium there was. There were no DVDs, VHS tapes or even cable TV. There were stag movies, but I didn’t see one of those till a friend of mine screened his copy of “Back Door Burglar,” in his dorm room at St. Ambrose College. (I’m not going to name this guy, but his initials are J.W. and he’s got something in common with the Axe Women we met at the HOI Fair press party.) The first non-print medium I ever jerked off to was an episode of “Love American Style.” Hey, give me a fucking break, it was an episode with Carol Wayne as a topless waitress. When you’re 13-years-old and you’re home alone, Carol Wayne’s naked back was prime masturbation material!
When I turned 16-years-old and could drive I started buying my own porno magazines. Pretty much every bookstore sold dirty magazines back in the 70’s. Even family bookstores like The Book Emporium had their own little porn section. It was always pretty nerve-wracking buying a dirty magazine. I’d walk the perimeter of the store to make sure there was no one I knew and then wait for there to be no one in line. Then, with Olympic-like precision, I’d grab the magazine from the rack, hustle to the counter and pray that the person behind the cash register would ring it up quickly so I could get out of their with the masturbation material safely hidden away in a Book Emporium bag.
It didn’t always go smoothly. One time I had just plopped down a copy of Beaver magazine on the counter and I heard, “Well, hello, there, Marty!”
My blood ran cold, like ice cubes in an igloo as I turned around to see my next door neighbor, Mrs. DeYoung smiling at me. I don’t know who was more embarrassed as she gazed down to see the copy of Beaver magazine on the counter. If fact the whole encounter is a blur as I’m sure I’ve tried to block the whole episode from my memory banks. To this day, before I start looking at porn, sometimes I’ll think of Mrs. DeYoung and that copy of Beaver magazine on the counter at the Book Emporium. It still makes me feel a little ill. But it doesn’t stop me from looking at porn.
And speaking of porn, that’s the whole point of this post. Does anyone still buy porn in print form? I know they still sell dirty magazines at X-rated bookstores along with Fatty Patty, but do regular book stores still sell dirty magazines? As I thought about this, I realized that there’s only one book store (that I know of) that sells magazines in Peoria. That’s the Barnes & Noble over on Big Hollow Road. Let’s go over there and see what, if any, kind of dirty magazines they have on the magazine rack. Let’s make like Bob Seger and turn the page.
Here we are at the Barnes & Noble book store. A rare MBIP visit to a chain store.
Open every day and free wi-fi, I have to remember this place the next time I have a power outage. I'm not a fan of chain stores, but this place sure beats Starfucks.
Let's go inside and see what's happening in here today.
Wow, it's huge in here. And really cold and impersonal, just like all chain stores are. I think I see the magazine section way back against the wall over there. Let's take a hike over there.
Here we are, the newsstand filled with periodicals. I've always thought that "periodicals" was a strange name for magazines, it makes me think about reading a tampon box.
They certainly are well-stocked. I haven't been to a newsstand in quite some time. It brings back fishwrap memories!
"Men's Interest," we're getting warm, because we all know that porn in high up on most men's interests.
Hey, check it out, Playboy, Penthouse and other "Mens" titles. I think I'll just grab every one that's wrapped in plastic and get out of here. Chain stores give me the creeps.
Kind of a long line in here. I'm looking around to make sure Mrs. DeYoung isn't anywhere around.
Here's the young fellow who rang me up. I asked him if he sold a lot of these kinds of magazines and he said he did. He told me that the customers who bought them were older men, who, he guessed, didn't own a computer. I'd say that's a good guess!
Here's the seven magazines I purchased. Let's take them out of the plastic and take a closer look.
I found seven "Men's" magazines at Barnes & Noble. The biggest disappointment was the Tattoo magazine. The only provocative photo was the half nude woman on the cover. All the other photos were strictly pictures of skin art. Hey If I want to jerk off to a picture of Tattoo, I’ll just Google, “Herve Villechaize.” My favorite of the bunch is the Playboy ‘70s Playmates. One of the Playmates in there I actually know: Bebe Buell. I know her husband through a friend and I’ve met her a few times in New York. The other Playmates I’ve never met, but we’ve had history together and I think there’s more to be had! Spanks for the memories and we’ll see you all tomorrow!
Related Posts: Shop Hop—Lovers Playground (Formerly Swingers World) and Michelle’s Birthday Party!
Surprise link, click on it...I dare you!
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Today’s post was brought to you by Mike's Tavern. Check them and all the other fine businesses helping to support this blog over at the MBIP Bucket List Page. Your Daily Random Linkage awaits you at the bottom of the that page as well!
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