Last week we presented the second part of this hearty Marty story. If somehow you’ve missed out on the first two parts, your should slowly hang your head in guilty shame for not reading my blog every stinking day! But, I’m a forgiving soul and here’s links to part one and part two.
You can read those and then come back and read the stunning conclusion, which is just below this sentence. Just scroll on down…go ahead, scroll, why are you still here?
Goddammit scroll down now!
Thank you!
(Almost) Sheer Heart Attack - Part III
Driving home from my appointment at the Cardiologist’s office, the words, “avoid any stressful situation,” were ringing in my brain. In about four days, I’d be doing one of the most stressful things I’d ever attempted in my life.
Now you may think I’m crazy for going ahead and doing the show when there was a possibility of having a heart attack in the middle of the show. But, I realized that there was a positive note in all of this: If I died on stage, It would make the front page of the newspaper and possibly get picked up by a wire service and get national attention!
Talk about going out with a bang! That would be going out with a bang, zoom, to-the-moon-Alice!
Back in those pre-pandemic times I used to have Thursday nights off from work. I work Saturdays, so my days off were Thursdays and Sundays. A lot of times, I would go out to eat or maybe to a bar or sometimes both, with my friends Amber and Joe on Thursday evenings.
Amber and Joe are not only really good friends, they’ve also been a key part of The Marty Monologues shows. They work the front door at the show, taking and selling tickets, they’re the show’s story editors meaning they listen to me rehearse the show and suggest edits and changes for the show and they’re also the roadies who pick me up and take me to the show and help me load up and set up everything for the show. I couldn’t do the Marty Monologues without them!
We went out the Thursday night before the show and I decided to tell them I might have a heart condition. We were having a beer in my apartment and I remember saying: “I’m going to tell you something and don’t even try to talk me out of doing the show. But I might have a heart condition and if I collapse on stage, call 911 immediately because everyone else will think it’s a joke.”
I’ll never forget the looks on their faces. They looked concerned but they also know that I”m a stubborn asshole and that there was no talking me out of this, so they agreed to be ready to call 911 if anything happened.
The day of the show just seems like a fuzzy-wuzzy blur to me now. I had never done something like this in my life and we had pre-sold over sixty tickets. There was actually an audience who expected me to deliver an entertaining show. I was really nervous and wished I had never committed to doing this, but, as they say, the show must go on!
I rehearsed the show all afternoon and Amber and Joe listened to me do it one final time before we packed up their car and headed downtown to the Apollo Theatre where the sign was done up for the show and reality really hit me in the gut. I was actually going to do this. I was really nervous I was going to fall on my face and make a complete fool out of myself.
We went inside and met the other people who were part of the show. Sarah Marie Dillard and Brandon Mooberry were going to be playing the opening and closing songs and DJ juanGoblin was going to be spinning tunes before the show and during the breaks when I was going to be making sandwiches for audience members.
Yeah, I made sandwiches in between the stories. You had to be there!
We got everything all set up and I felt a combination of complete and utter terror and wanting to throw up. I wished I had never decided to do this and retreated to a room on the top floor of the Apollo Theatre and paced around until five minutes before showtime.
I made my way backstage five minutes before the show was going to start and hung out with Sarah and Brandon. I peeked out from behind the stage curtains and saw that the place was filled up with people and just wanted to run out of the door. I remember thinking, “What the fuck have you done? You’ll never be able to pull this off.”
I had a slight pain in my chest and it brought me a little relief. Maybe I’d die before this all got started.
Well, before I knew it, it was showtime. The whole show seems like a blur to me now and I can’t remember much of it. Sarah introduced me after she and Brandon played the opening song and I was so terrified, I don’t really remember much about the show. I just remember when it was over and Sarah and Brandon were playing the closing song, I went and sat with DJ juanGoblin and asked him, “Was it okay?”
He looked shocked, smiled at me and said, “Yeah, it was great! They loved it!”
Huh? Somehow I pulled it off and I still wasn’t dead! I guess rehearsing for eight weeks paid off. We had the after party at Kenny’s Westside Pub and people seemed to have really enjoyed themselves at the show.
I resisted the urge to ask everyone, “Didn’t you have anything better to do tonight?” and was grateful that it all worked out. I kind of forgot about the heart problems that night because I was so relieved to have the show all over with.
You can read and see photos from the show by clicking here.
The following Thursday after the show, I went and had the angiogram at OSF Hospital.
They injected dye into my hip and wheeled me into a surgical operating room which was all silver steel and bright lights. A large blinking machine was put over my chest and after about a minute, the doctor said the following words: “I”m sorry, but this is going to require open heart surgery.”
Being the ultimate optimist, I remember being scared but also somewhat happy knowing that I’d get out of work for quite a while!
They wheeled me back into a room and told me to lie still while the dye settled and a surgeon would be by in a little bit to explain what was going to happen.
After about fifteen minutes the surgeon arrived. He was an older man dressed in a surgical gown and had a full head of white hair and a nice bedside manner. He explained the open heart procedure and said it wasn’t as scary as it sounds. He said I would be home in less than a week after the operation if everything went well.
He told me that I had two completely blocked arteries and it was lucky that we discovered it when we did. He said I was a heart attack waiting to happen.
“Do you know what I did, last Sunday?” I asked him after he explained everything to me.
I then proceeded to tell him about the show and how it was the most terrifying thing I had ever done in my life.
He looked shocked and said, “Weren’t you told not to do something like that with your symptoms?”
I told him that I was but I did it anyway. “If I would’ve died on stage, I bet I would’ve been on the front page of the paper!” I excitedly told him.
He looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind and then quickly told me that his office would be in touch with me about the details and the date of the upcoming open heart surgery. Then he quickly left. I think he wanted to get away from me!
I remember lying in that room and laughing out loud. Sometimes life is too weird! And somehow I’m still alive!
You can see post open heart surgery photos by clicking here.
The next Marty Monologues show is happening this Sunday in Amber and Joe’s basement and I’ll be performing to a socially distant crowd of one person!
We’ll have photos and a video of the closing of the show Wednesday here on the MBIP blog so stay tuned and wear a mask when you’re outside!
Artwork and design by Chelsie Tamms of Lettering Works.
Surprise link, click on it…I dare you!
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Bonus Liinkage: Phil Raso’s Mind Power @ Home Show This Saturday!
Speaking of show’s, this Saturday evening, professional Magician and Mind Reader, “Phenomenal Phil” Raso is hosting a special Zoom show online, that you can safely enjoy from your home!
And if you go and get two take-out entrees from the Fish House, you can watch and be part of the show for free! Check out all of the details here.
Phil’s shows are fun and spectacular, here’s a link to a blog I did on his show from almost a year ago at the Apollo Theatre.
If you’re looking for something fun and safe to do this Saturday night (tomorrow), this is the ticket!