Way back in the ’90’s when I was publishing my magazine fishwrap, I subscribed to about twenty magazines and would usually buy about twenty more a month. This is because magazines were the subject matter for fishwrap and also because I was obsessed with magazines back then.
I loved them so much that I created two magazines of my own, POP magazine and then fishwrap. Then the internet came along and I started blogging and stopped reading magazines. I haven’t bought a magazine in years, maybe over a decade!
I’ve decided to return to my roots here on MBIP and start a new weekly feature where we take a look at a different magazine every week.
And so, off we go to the newsstand!
Here we are at the Barnes & Noble book store. I haven’t been in here for years, because I try and shop local, but I don’t know of any local book stores here in town that sells magazines. If you know of any, please let me know!
Okay, let’s go inside and find the magazine section!
Here it is and it’s huge! I thought maybe there wouldn’t be a big selection, but I guess people still buy magazines. Okay, let find one for this week and then we’ll head on back to the MBIP Reading Area to take a look at this week’s magazine!
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Us Weekly
Cover Price: $7.99.
That’s right, just about eight bucks for a magazine! I was shocked and this thing is just 60 pages! To hell with the price of eggs, we need to do something about the price magazines!
Cover Story: “What Happened To Michelle Trachtenberg?” My answer to that cover question is, “Who in the fuck is Michelle Trachtenberg?”
Other cover headlines: “Shania Twain: How I Finally Learned To Love Myself.” I probably won’t waste any time reading this vapid article, but I’m guessing it involves a dildo and a vibrator.
“Denise Richards: On Housewives, Charlie and That Steamy Kiss.” I’m not sure about Housewives or Charlie, but didn’t KISS retire last year?
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Inside Us
The table of contents page for Us Weekly has the most unfortunate title of “inside Us.”
I really don’t want to see the inside of them because it’s probably filled with intestines, body fluids and fecal matter…but thanks for the invitation, Us!
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How Just Like Us is…Jonathan Van Ness?
Jonathan Van Ness is a “Queer Eye” grooming expert and a podcaster which translates into this: Jonathan Van Ness doesn’t have a real job.
In this article he’s asked if he has a celebrity crush and he confesses that he has a crush on Emma Stone’s new haircut.
Umm…hey Jonathan, have you got a second? Great, well, I just wanted to inform you that a sane person can’t have a crush on a haircut. In fact, neither can a totally insane, batshit, crazy person. Just wanted to let you know, now run along and go fuck a toupee or something. Have fun, thunderbuns!
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Dear Skye
There’s a section in Us Weekly where someone named “Skye” answers relationship questions. One of the questions was from a woman who wrote and explained that her boyfriend wasn’t fulfilling her emotional needs. Hey Skye, let us handle this one!
Dear Falling on Deaf Ears,
Dump this fucking loser and try and get hold of Shania Twain. She can give you expert advice on dildos and vibrators and you’ll never have to worry about a jerk-off boyfriend again!
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hot pics
This “hot pic” featured a person named, “Beabadoobee” posing with her cat who is named, “Miso.”
I hate to break this to you, Beabadoobee, but it’s a little sad when your cat has a more normal name than you do. Okay, it’s really a lot sad and we’re just going to move along here. I was tempted to Google your strange name to see who you are and why you are in Us Weekly, but lucky for me, that temptation was for a fleeting second and now it’s gone. Buh, bye!
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Jen’s ‘Embracing Single Life’
This article is about how Jennifer Aniston is enjoying her single life. You know what? We’ve already done two dildo jokes today, so let’s just move along here!
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What I Learned From This Issue Of Us Weekly
I’ve learned that $7.99 is way to much to pay for this celebrity, ass-kissing waste of paper and I also learned that I didn’t really care that much about who Michelle Trachtenberg actually is because I didn’t bother to read the article.
Okay, I have to go back on the internet now. I haven’t checked my facecrack page for over ten minutes! See you all tomorrow!
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Related Post: Fishwrap Smile.